The occupied seat across an ocean
of tables. The long
walk through asphalt and marble. The page pointing
to part and pathos (the underlined phrase: “palpate prostate
for pain”). The portrait that betrays (“This
resembles ___”). The absence of lights.
The laughter we refused
to sight: far too slight. The song, looping
like some liquid serpent.
For the firecracker, New Year’s Eve:
Set aflame a list
of regrets you kept
hidden in matchboxes.
Going at lengths attempting to explain the year that was
You find it difficult to come back to the year that was. Slumped on your bed, knitted wool blanket covering your legs, listening to the hum of the air-conditioning unit and the loop of Explosions In The Sky’s Your Hand In Mine, which you set on repeat, you start the initial draft with “I”. Three minutes later, you stop. You highlight everything. Delete. You start again.
And wasn’t that the point of this year for you? Starting again.
Play: List (or, Why I Never Let The Boys I Love Listen To The Music I Like)
After Marrian Pio Roda Ching
I poured my aching heart into a pop song. I couldn’t get the hang of poetry.
- Suck It And See (Arctic Monkeys)
SIDE A
[Track 01]
The start is the hardest part[1]: I coughed
your name, I smoked
all day[2] – I call your number
but I can’t get through[3].
[Track 02]
It’s the same fucking
habits[4]: watching you turn
from me towards your friends[5].
[Track 03]
You told me you wanted
to eat up my sadness[6]. In a soft-porn version
of the end of the world I quake at the knees
as my intentions unfurl[7]: we’ve got a minefield
of crippled affection[8].
[Track 04]
Here’s to all the pretty words
we will never speak[9]:
“How you gonna keep me
warm?[10]”, “I’m glad
you’re on my side[11].”, “What’s wrong with you
is good for what’s wrong with me.[12]”
SIDE B
[Track 01]
We find it hard to deal with
when our dreams come true[13].
But now we must pack up
every piece of the life we used
to love, just to keep
ourselves[14].
[Track 02]
Oh you can lose yourself
in art, or you can break somebody’s heart
in two[15] – I’ve written pages
upon pages, trying to rid you
from my bones[16]. Medicine clouds
my mind[17]. There’s mercy
when the lies kick in[18].
[Track 03]
You were a truth I would rather lose
than to have never lain beside
at all[19]. I chose to feel it
and you couldn’t choose[20]. I’m sorry
about the phone call and needing you[21].
You chose that moment to say to me
“Has all of your life been this lonely?[22]”
From the list of regrets I swore to forget:
- The curtain of skin that folds following a smile (see: “Endings, Misinterpretations, Things we do to each other, Despite everything”)
- How you stole my car and crashed it somewhere I couldn’t place (filed under “Dreams, Recent”)
- Gestures (i.e., stealing my photograph and stroking my hair without so much as asking; filed under “Truth, Undated, Recent”)
- A quote from a movie we did not watch together (see “Things we do to each other”)
- Hands – holding, pushing away, gathering dust, gathering pencil shavings, pulling; wounded, clean, muddied, sterile, warm (file: “Misinterpretations, To be continued”)
- Books: the ones you refuse/d to read, the ones I love, the ones you still have from me (file: “Missing pages”)
- Nicotine (filed under “Habits, Excuses, Disease, Things we do to each other, Despite everything”)
Book Wishlist + Holiday Reading List
Two of my friends were asking what I wanted as (delayed) Christmas gifts and/or (advanced) birthday gifts (birthday’s in a few weeks) and I sort of really would like books (even if I sort of don’t have shelf space at home). So I’m making this post first and directing them to it once I sort out the Non-Books I could possibly want.
- Rebus by James Jean
- New and collected poems 1931-2001 by Czesław Miłosz
- Sacred Hearts by Sarah Dunant
- Narcissus by Mark Anthony Cayanan
(see, short list! because…)
…I also managed to hoard/borrow some books from T!
- Pidgin Levitations by Ricardo de Ungria
- A Visit From The Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan
- Voices from the Other World by Naguib Mahfouz
and some new books I got
- Si Amapola sa 65 na Kabanata by Ricky Lee
- A Feast of Origins and Geographies of Light by Dinah Roma Sianturi
I doubt I’ll be able to read everything over the break though. Deadlines and schoolwork, hoom.
Three movements, typhoons, and being thankful
I guess this month is sort of surprisingly productive for me.
My poem “Three Movements on Anatomy” is up in Stone Telling Magazine.
Many thanks to editors Rose Lemberg and Shweta Narayan for this opportunity and their feedback. Thanks as well to friends and mentors alike who took their time to help me with this piece. Do check the poem out and let me know what you think.
—
Other news (if you still didn’t know): recently Typhoon Sendong hit Mindanao and as of this afternoon, death tolls have hit more than 1,000. You can help and donate goods and othersuch supplies to those in need.
—
It’s so surreal that all of this is happening. I mean, halfway across the archipelago people have lost their homes and loved ones and just this afternoon I had a nice time hanging out with my friends. I don’t even know why I find this weird because this sort of thing happens all the time: people suffer while others are happy; sometimes we can tie it to an apparent cause, sometimes it just happens. But it’s not how things should be, you know? I feel idealistic for thinking this way.
I’ve spent a hefty amount of the past few months feeling sad and cranky about my life (depressive episodes, et al) but the past few days catching up with people and just laying back have eased a lot of myself back in. And I guess I just wish for more of that in the world, you know? Like, just more times with people we love and those we can sit down with for hours talking about Stuff, et al, not worrying about Everything Else That Makes Us Sad, Stressed, and/or Uptight.
Christmas is about to roll in and I am broke (I spent my mother’s Christmas money present buying people gifts and I didn’t even get to buy things for all the people I wanted to give presents to) and this is the season I got the least amount of presents (because almost all my friends are broke too haha) but somehow it feels like one of the best holidays so far. Just hanging out, meeting up with people I haven’t seen in 100 years. Pretty much that simple to be happy, surprisingly. Right now I’m thankful for a lot of the things and people I have, the things I’ve achieved up to this point. Life. I’m thankful life is being good, despite all the setbacks, and I wish it kept getting better.
Season’s Greetings to you all.
Fragments-
Delayed post is delayed! Holiday Matters have been taking me away lately. Anyhoo, a collaboration between myself and the awesome possum Tilde is in the second volume of The Quarterly Bathroom Companion Comics Compendium (QBCCC).
The piece is “Fragments: In Which We Are”, which Tilde did a good job of turning all topsy-turvy and nifty and it looks so much better in print, so if you’re in the Cubao area, Sputnik Fantastik over at Cubao X is selling them copies for Php 200. 164 pages of comics and articles; 28 creators!
Under the cut is the text version of Fragments (but really, dear children, please go get the comics)
Examination
I got the news earlier this afternoon in the coffeeshop but only had my iPad at hand.
Anyhoo, the nice folks over at Free Press featured my poem “Examination“.
Yay! It’s also amusingly timely as I am having exams this week.
Do click the link if you have the time. I had fun making that piece. Let me know what you think.
Also- dedicated to my dearest medschool friends.
(…who are fighting the fight- we have 8 more exams to go. Pediatrics went down with a bang this morning. In a few hours it’s Pathology hooheehoo I have so much to read plumbum kulchitsky cell, wish me luck!)
I hope everyone pulls through exams. All righty, that’s all for now. Byebye!
The Uses of Sorrow by Mary Oliver
(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
