I’ve been losing sleep the past few days typing papers following attempts to read and digest required documents. Desire has been subdued to a single word: passing. Pass this part of life, this phase hopefully not meant to faze whatever face I’ve left to put up. Pah.
I’ve been losing the time to eat early mornings as well. Seemingly silly decision but I pick a shot at being beautiful, applying color to my face over sitting down at the same span of time, gobbling cornflakes to add to my waistline. For now I realize a single gingerbread cookie hastily consumed while driving through a long stretch of street heading to school will suffice.
Routine: sleep in school, sign attendance, attempt to study, exchange daily stories with individuals of interest (usually D, F, G, K, or H; I miss talking to M but well, life. Happens). Drive back home, do work, dillydally, do something else. Other priorities pile up. Pretend to remain calm. Other people pop into the picture. Pretend to care. Friends send post cards and private messages at the dead of night. The body, numb to the rules of the international dateline, the difference in timezones, does not mind. Promise to reply soon anyway. Attempt to strike conversation via Skype cockblocked by imminent desire to sleep.
Updates: X broke up with Y but anyone who knew the entire tiring tirade of arguments and compromises exchanged between them of late, added to whine and cheese and tossed-in-your-face-I-don’t-want-this-anymore presents would agree- we saw this coming. X consults me for almost anything that resembles a decision these past few weeks. I tire but I try to be a good friend. N approaches imminent breakdown, lashes out on few friends s/he has; everyone watches from a safe distance, placing bets on imaginary players as if the winner would be anyone except this actual, living person. I still don’t have whom I want but I’ve come to terms with that (from the List of Things I Tell Myself: Terminal cases have it worse off).
Yesterday: Strict preceptor only took note of 5 out of 12 people in our group due to tardiness. We spent the rest of the time proving ourselves by examining infants in the pediatric ward.
Other situations: First time to encounter a patient who shares my name. Younger than me by a month. Confined to the Psychiatric ward. Convinced she is dying from love. Refuses to answer questions concerning object of affections. Most information extracted from her mother.
The other day: 10 year old diagnosed with leukemia was wheeled through the halls of the ward while we were busy examining another patient. Friend assigned to that child said she was going to die soon and she didn’t know it yet. Another friend, formerly assigned to same leukemic child noted how strange to see the little girl with short hair now when previously it used to be so long.
Life is happening.